Last-Minute Holiday Shopping Tips.

Or, how to shop at a department store this week without later being stalked and killed in the parking lot by a disgruntled stock girl.

1. If someone is not at a register ringing people out, she is not a cashier. She is putting out stock and cleaning up the mess you and others have made of the store. Do not harass her about ringing you out. The store will only put 2 cashiers in the children's department during the week, no matter how busy the place is. Get in line, or try another department. Yes, the sales will ring up properly at any register in the store; it's how POS computer systems work.

2. If everything in the store is an extra 20% off if you use your customer loyalty card, that is exactly what that means. Do not ask if that applies to each individual item you have selected. Do not ask the stock girl to calculate how much 20% is; do you really expect someone who makes minimum wage to be able to do that sort of math?

3. You will notice that the store is a pigsty, and that most things are not on the racks they are supposed to be on. Do not complain about this to the stock girl, then promptly put a women's sweater on a toddler boys' pajama rack. This is hypocrisy and will only end in your grisly death.

4. Do not ask if "that is all you have for girls". We had more, but people bought it. You are not our only customer; just look around you. You are too late. Better luck next year.

5. Related to #4: Christmas week is not the time to be looking for a Christmas dress for your little girl. Those dresses arrive in September. We are sold out now, or only have ugly dresses in sizes that won't fit your kid. Forget about anything for boys; we get less of that to start with. Also, all the girls' pants are capri length because we are getting "cruise wear" and spring styles in now. Remember: Christmas is in September, spring is in December, and bikinis will be out in February. The early bird catches the worm, and the "too busy to shop until now" bird gets a reindeer sweater that's missing a button.

6. Unsupervised children will be sold to Housekeeping. Tell them that, and maybe they'll stick close to you. Telling your kid "Stay over here or someone will steal you!" will result in me saying "Yeah, and kidnappers don't buy overpriced Guess dresses. They make you wear Walmart clothes, and they don't have an Xbox, either."

7. Actually, the shopping bags are only useful if you don't slam them against the racks as you leave. That tends to make them rip. They're made of paper, you know.

Happy Holidays, bitches!